I watch porn all the time.  I didn’t tell Sheryl that though.  I don’t really like much of it, and it’s a poor substitute for a girlfriend.  The endings are always unsurprising, and there’s an awful lot of spitting on one another and hair pulling; ‘take it you bitch,’ and so on.  These people never stop and smile at each other.  It seems like they are always avoiding eye contact – I suppose they’re a bit embarrassed, thinking about what their parents might say.

The world would be a kinder place if porn was just two people having a hug; if they said, ‘I love you,’ and ‘I love you too.’  But you can’t get that on any of these porn sites.  Instead they have ‘Teen slut drilled by two guys’; ‘Anime girl raped by tentacles’; ‘Carla gets pissed on and cries’.  You get used to anything after a while.

There is a three minute video clip aptly captioned ‘Gwen gets banged’ where a Rubenesque Gwen does her best to look and sound interested while a man, who probably isn’t her significant other, thrashes away at her business end.  He has been on a sunbed but left his y-fronts on, so it looks like he is wearing seamless white underpants.  He looks to poor plain Gwen and says, ‘Are you ready for my cock, baby?’

And she turns to the camera and says with tragic earnestness, ‘Yes, I am.’  Her expression is forced, like she’d rather be somewhere else, doing something else.

‘Look at the camera,’ he tells her.

And she does.  I really wish she wouldn’t.  She stares it down, her chubby face framed by a bob of purple-dyed hair and her bad tattoos jiggling in the tide of their motion.

‘Oh yeah,’ she says.

‘Oh baby,’ he says.

They are on a grey bedspread laid out on a grey carpet.  A hi-fi speaker sits in the corner of the camera shot but there’s no music playing.  Gwen looks distinctly unenthused and self-conscious as her red-faced lover charges and retreats.  Poor Gwen.  Poor fat Gwen.  Her pedestrian performance earned her 3.6 stars out of 5 and was judged by 255,898 people.  I made it 255,899.  Poor fat, ugly, lonely Gwen – captured at her most vulnerable, her flabby boobs dancing on her bulging midriff, the crease of her belly like a sunless valley crushed between two drumlins.  I think this is about as far away from love as you can get.  I miss being in love, and I bet Gwen does too.  I’d like to give her a hug, maybe tell her to put some clothes on and I’d make her a nice salad.